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24 February 2005

recycledJuice: Deconstructing the Wine Review

These original posts, much like the Vinho Verde post, were probably read by two people (including me).  Now that there are a few more visitors here, I thought recycling this series might be a good idea.  Like a bad Star Wars film, let's begin with Episode 3 first...  If you wish to read Eps 1 & 3, click here & here.

Deconstructing the Wine Review - Part 3

If you are familiar with major wine magazines such as Wine Spectator, Wine Enthusiast or Decanter, you have undoubtedly read hundreds of wine reviews. After reading say 10 or so reviews, it becomes crystal clear that there is a high level of redundancy (and conformity) in a typical wine review.

For example, do phrases like this ring a bell?

Textured and framed
Endless tiers of fruit flavor
Cherry-berry-mocha fruit
Plump Cherry and blackberry flavors
Toasty oak
etc. etc. etc....

I was thinking that wine critics would get more response if the review format were turned on its head. Take this review (I originally wrote it for

Martini_rossi_asti_1_1Original reviewMartini & Rossi Asti, non-vintage ($12) - A good, simple, unassuming wine. Asti is very pale gold in color with active bubbles. It has a scent that can best be described as, “grapey.” There are also aromas of canned peach and apricot. While Asti is sweet, it is balanced by distinct crispness that lasts through the finish. The flavor confirms everything detected by the nose with a creamy sensation in the mouth to boot. Asti is fine as an aperitif and it works very well with Sunday brunch – particularly egg dishes

Rewritten using that Old School Rhymin':

F*** tha Kristal! / I need bubbly for my posse at a price that’s minimal
I’m cynical /  I be sniffin’ / Takin a whiffin’/ My nose twitchin’ like a whacked out kitten.
This glass aint frontin’ / Sweet peach, apricot ‘n grapes sure be sayin’ somthin’.
Asti is dope / It’s creamy / Yeah boy / Feelin’ oh so dreamy. / Sweet but not heavy / Ya’ll ready?
Gimme eggs.  Gimme bread.  Gimme fruit. / Man, this s*** is mad-tasty to boot.



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'this shit is mad tasty to boot?!!!!'
I wish i had come up with that one.


Being one of three kids in my high school, who listened to rap music (in the late 80's) has its advantages! :)

Thanks for the props.



I'm HOWLING here in my Dilbertesque neighbors are looking at me like I'm insane. (they aren't far off)

Great post, Beau...

Fo SHIZZLE mah nizzle.


I'm alwayz diggin on mad props from my peeps, yo.


Thats f**kin' classic! Thank you for bringing tears of laughter to my no-longer-drab day.

The funniest part is that I used to talk like that in my early high school years... too much pot I guess =)


Thanks for the compliment. I too was a bit of a gangsta in High School (a lillywhite gangster that is)


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