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27 May 2005

News at Vine (a 'Daily Show')

Natv_logo_3Live from the Basic Juice Broadcasting Center in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah.  It’s The News at Vine with anchor, Vin Vintner.

V. Vintner:  Good evening and welcome to News at Vine.  Tonight we begin at the Supreme Court in Washington, D.C.  The court ruled, in a five to four decision, to support interstate wine shipments directly from wineries to consumers. The High Court reasoned that state laws banning such shipments are discriminatory and, therefore, unconstitutional.  Plaintiffs in Michigan and New York are certainly pleased with this decision.  For more on today’s ruling, we turn to News at Vine Senior Legal Affairs Correspondent, Barry Cooper.  Barry, how does this decision affect wine enthusiasts in the state of Utah?

B. Cooper:  Thanks, Vin.  Today’s ruling by the Supreme Court does precisely bubkus for Utah’s wine lovers.  Sure, Utah could follow the sensible example of Nevada and Virginia and require out-of-state wineries to purchase a direct shipping license from the state, pay both excise and sales taxes, limit shipments, mark boxes, and consent to the jurisdiction of the state issuing the license.  But Vin, we must protect the children.  I mean can’t you see, kids are just waiting to order a $500 case of Pinot Noir from Wolverine Winery in Michigan?  They’ll order online, wait a week for delivery, and then uncork the bottles at a slumber party, washing their Cheez-its down with forty-buck-a-bottle wine.

V. Vintner:  Excuse me Barry.   Do you really think children will order wine online?  Wouldn’t it be much easier for an underage drinker to obtain alcohol with fake identification or through a friend of legal drinking age?

B. Cooper:  Vin, please don’t try to analyze this complicated legal matter.  Frankly, you’re not qualified.  Do you mean to tell me that little Jimmy would pay his older friend, “Frank” ten dollars to run into the Kwiki Mart, buy a forty-ounce bottle of Olde English Malt Liquor, and then guzzle it down behind the dumpster?  Vin, that seems far-fetched.  A minor purchasing fine wine over the Internet is much more dangerous.  As such, Utah should be vigilant in barring access to all out-of-state wineries.

V. Vintner:  That’s Brian Cooper, with insight into today’s Supreme Court ruling.  When we return, our very own “Veggie Vern” Reece Ling will help us pair wine with persnickety vegetables and herbs.

(Musical jingle) Veggie Vern knows pro-duce.  Veggie Vern knows wine too.  Veggie Vern knows what’s good for you..

V. Vintner:
  Hello, Reece!  What have you got for us today?

R. Ling:  Hi, Vin.  Let’s talk raw garlic.  Who doesn’t love a Caesar salad with chunks of raw garlic?  And what about hearty, garlic-laden pasta salad?  Don’t you just love it?

V. Vintner: Reece, I must admit, I enjoy eating fresh tri-colored pasta salad with mounds of fresh garlic.  Funny, though, my Merlot doesn’t seem to sit too well with it.

R. Ling:  Oh Vin!  Don’t drink a fruity red with raw garlic.  Sip a chilled Sauvignon Blanc.  It’s the perfect foil to garlic.  Sauvignon Blanc is tangy and zesty.  Many also have great herbal and citrus flavors.  I recommend a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc.  Try the 2003 Lake Chalice Sauvignon Blanc.  It sells for fourteen dollars.  You’ll adore it with garlic, onions, or even chives.

V. Vintner:  Thank you, Reece.  I’ll take a bottle home with me tonight.  Now, let’s turn to our wine critic, Roberta Parks.  Roberta, what wines are you reviewing this week?

R. Parks:  Hello, Vin.  We’re coming up on blockbuster movie season.  And what’s summer movie season without summer wine?  I raise one glass way up to a fabulous little white wine from Argentina.  It’s Bodega Norton Torrontes.  This wine is from the 2004 vintage, it will make a great house wine, and it’s only eight dollars.  Torrontes was a fairly anonymous supporting wine grape in Spain.  However, under the direction of Argentina’s climate and winemakers, it has become a charming wine.  My second summer pick is from a relatively unknown district within France’s famous Burgundy region.  This undiscovered district is called, Santenay.  Red Santenay wine is made from the current ‘It” grape, Pinot Noir.  My second glass is raised high for the 2001 vintage of Morey Santenay Passetemps.  At only eighteen dollars, you’ll be able to taste Pinot Noir, in all it’s subtle, deep, alluring glory.

V. Vintner:  Fabulous, Reece.  Both wines sound like winners to me.  Oh by the way, are the labels for these wines in English or are they in French and, uh, hmm, uh, Argentinian?

R. Parks:  Vin, the wine from France has a partially translated label.  And the Torrontes label from Argentina is all in English.

V. Vintner:  Oh great, Reece.  I tend to have a difficult time with foreign wine.  That’s it for us tonight.  Thanks for watching and please tune in tomorrow night.

(Ominous music; Barry Cooper’s voice) “Do you drink Pinot Noir?  Are you going bald?  Are you afraid of going bald?  We’ll explore the unsettling connection between baldness and Pinot Noir.  We discuss “Sideways” star Paul Giamatti’s purported affinity for Pinot Noir and his obvious baldness.”

V. Vintner:  Disturbing indeed.  Until tomorrow night…Cheers!


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If only the news were this good!!


What? Jacko and the Runaway Bride not your idea of news? :)



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