WR2: Electric Boogaloo

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Last week, I was up against an article deadline. I avoided it. I dreaded it. The article was to be a simple, straightforward piece (read: generic) on Syrah/Shiraz. I planned to compare several wines labeled Syrah and Shiraz. The grand point was to see if there’s any truth to the accepted notion that Syrah-labeled wine is generally old world in style and Shiraz-labeled wine is generally new world in style. But here’s the deal: I love wine. I love to learn about wine. And no matter how I approached the article, it was painfully boring. I couldn’t write it. On top of that, I was trying to comply with the writing style that mainstream wine publications expect. You see, I’ve submitted a few articles to these magazines. The answer each and every time has been: “We’re going to pass on your article.”

Well, in the spirit of classic hip hop battles from the 1980s, involving the likes of LL Cool J vs. Kool Moe Dee and KRS One vs. MC Shan (if you’ve got no idea who these people are then I suggest you’re either too old, too white, or too old and too white!), I’m going to drop rhymes about Syrah/Shiraz. At the same time I’ll dis those musty old school wine writers and their magazines using the classic over-the-top Braggadocio, hip-hop style. Shall we begin?

Been scribblin ‘bout vines since two-thousand-two
Choppin boring wine writers with verbal kung-fu
Got a nose and palate made of platin-um
Each and every wine, I be nailin ‘em
You know I got juicy mad skills
Makin ya’ll wiggle like bunches of eels

Are you nervous punks?
Yes you better be / Cause you will never see
Wines described exact - to a “T”
100% unique - word up; that’s me

Brace yourself / Arrange yourself
Sit down / Zip up
Buckle-up and shut the F*** up

I’m gonna pop this cork and start spreadin the juice
Dig this style flowin loud / flowin free / flowin loose

Got two wines on the docket for discussion
Not difficult though unlike, you know, Russian.
Two names one grape / say Shir-az, say Syr-ah
If you’re with me / raise your hands, shout out, “Da!”

Vino numero uno is a Shiraz / Annie’s Lane from down under, Southern ‘Oz
Black cherry color, dark, and opaque / Like a glass of that purple Welch’s grape
Aint no typical aussie
Jumpin out the goblet, loud and bossy
No need to stop it, see / Annie wafts up slowly / sort of struts, kind of moseys
With a fruit tri-pack - red ‘n black berries and plums / hold up - nope; she’s not done
A little black pepper / bumpin for the setter
Funky Aussie tar / like a scent from the car
Or pavement -/ it makes you wonder where the fruit went
Ms. Lane’s a light-booty Shiraz / packin funky zest, zing, and dope pizz-az
But drink it with roasted meat or something salty, something cheesy / ‘cause alone - in the glass she’s just too damn sleepy
For one Hamilton plus three singles you’re good to go / Annie’s Lane, Clare Valley, ’02, Shiraz, in the house, yo!

Next up - we headin’ back to Cali / gonna sip a little somethin’ from the coast, from the valley
Ring the bell, yo - class in session / Liberty School Syrah, 2000 / aint half steppin’
Glass full of ink with some rusty red edges / smells like dried black fruit cut in little pie wedges
Swirl it up / mix it up
Let it….air out - til the heavy duty scents / start to…bail out
Sniff it - the School’s servin’ up pepper - but just a little shake
Then boom! Blueberry pie like mom used to bake
Liberty don’t go in the mouth and then toe-tippitty
Nope- it’s like a fat politician & his action committee
No room for food with this chubby, big dude
Drink it alone, or maybe chomp snack food
At fourteen bills / the price, it aint ill
Break your Jackson / get some change and you ready to roll
Call your posse / pop the cork - let the Lib School flow!

To the old school wine writers / it’s out with your old style, in with my new
Got a problem? dial my number - it’s 222-FUFU
I got an answer machine - it can talk to you
Now step off; take back your musty old rag
Cause this here’s the wine-papa’s brand new bag

Cheers, yo.