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« Confessions of a Dangerous Mind | Main | 'Tis the Season »

28 November 2005

Festivus: For the Rest of Us

FestivusI think Frank Costanza was on to something.  Remember Festivus?  If you have no idea what I’m talking about then I suggest you watch the Seinfeld episode entitled, “The Strike.”  I propose we celebrate this fine holiday on December 23rd.  I used to enjoy the concept of Thanksgiving:  Poor persecuted puritan pilgrims fleeing tyrannical Britain to freely practice their religion.  Later these pilgrims shared a meal of thanks with friendly Native Americans.  It all sounds so idyllic and quaint.  Look a little closer at what those pilgrims left their adopted land; something called, “Puritanism.”  And the effects of this -ism?  It didn’t end at witch burning.  It evolved into something called Prohibition and then mutated into all those draconian interstate wine shipping laws.  Couple this with the naked, over-the-top commercialism of the Christmas shopping season, and I for one, feel the need to establish an alterna-holiday - just for us wine lovers.  Hence, my newly adopted holiday, Festivus.

Mr. Costanza was quite clear on the proper celebration of Festivus.  First, the only decoration allowed is an aluminum pole; devoid of ornamentation - especially tinsel.  Second, on Festivus eve we all must gather together our families and friends and conduct the “airing of grievances.”  Finally, our Festivus celebration concludes with “feats of strength.”

Allow me to present some ideas for a fun and wine-friendly Festivus ’05.

Decorating for Festivus (or the spirit of the aluminum pole)
Cava_aluminumUnfortunately I don’t have the ceiling height in my home for a proper, tall, tinsel-less aluminum pole.  I do, however, have room for a bottle of Segura Viudas Reserva Heredad.  This is a fine sparkling wine (AKA “Cava”) from Spain.  It is a richly textured bubbly with toasty flavors coupled to white pear and vanilla scents.  But that’s beside the point.  Take a look at the bottle!  The top of this bottle is wrapped in aluminum.  There Is more metal décor on this bottle than on any other wine bottle I’ve ever seen. It might not be an aluminum pole, but this bottle certainly reflects the aluminum spirit of Festivus.  It also has no tinsel.  For eighteen bucks, not only will I have a nifty Festivus decoration, but I will also have some mighty fine bubbly that pairs superbly with my holiday meal (Your Festivus meal is up to you.  I prefer something along the lines of sundried tomato crostini or wild mushroom ragout).

The “Airing of Grievances”
Frankfestivus1I’m certain I could fill up several tomes containing grievances vis-à-vis wine laws and regulations enforced by my state of residence.  However, let me simply air two wine-related grievances:

  • Why does my favorite restaurant charge $36 for a $9 bottle of wine?  That’s four times the price!  I can hold my nose and pay triple the price for wine in a restaurant, but don’t ever, ever expect me to pay four times the price.  Indeed; there ought to be a law.
  • Will everyone stop telling me how good Yellow Tail Shiraz is?  Yes I know it’s, “only twelve dollars and it tastes great.”  It also has a fun kangaroo on the label.  I don’t care.  Guess what?  It’s overpriced.  And don't even talk to me about the Tail's new "Reserve" line.  Try Red Knot Shiraz for seven damn dollars.  It’s every bit as good; so shut your yaps about Yellow Tail

Ahh.  I feel better.  This is a great holiday.

Feats of Strength
FeatsstrengthI can think of no greater feat of strength than carrying out a full case of wine from the wine store.  Of course physical strength is required to schlep a case of wine.  However, for me, immense willpower is also required.  You see when I start filling up my little shopping cart with wine; it’s nearly impossible to stop at twelve bottles.  Even more difficult is resisting the temptation to open more than one bottle once I get my wine-booty home.  Now that, my friends, is a tremendous feat of mental strength.  In case you are wondering about the contents of my Festivus celebration case, allow me to share twelve good value holiday wine slections: 
Domaine Willm Riesling Alsace AOC ’04 ($10)
Boschendal 'Le Pavillion' Chardonnay-Semillon ’04 ($9)
Lake Chalice Riesling ’04 ($16)
Renwood 'Select Series' Viognier ’04 ($10)
Primo Estate 'La Biondina' ’04 ($14)
Jaunegg 'Knily' Sauvignon Blanc ’03 ($23)
Clos La Coutale Cahors AOC ’01 ($12)
Cantina Rotaliana di Mezzolombardo Teroldego Rotaliano ’03 ($10)
Azienda Agricola Cottanera 'Barbazzale' ’03 ($15)
Finca Luzon Altos de Luzon ’01 ($17)
Silvio Grasso 'Pi Vigne' Barolo DOCG '00 ($54)
Castelmaure Corbières Grand Cuvée ’01 ($20).

In the spirit of Festivus, take these ideas and remember to celebrate this festival for “the rest of us” on December 23rd.  What’s that you say?  You also want to celebrate Christmas?  I suppose that’s OK.  I’m positive Jolly Old Saint Nick is indeed “jolly” for a reason (i.e. Rudolph isn't just guiding the sleigh because of his nose - he's the designated driver).  Let’s not let our puritanical friends in on this little secret.  I would hate to forfeit all the great loot I’ll be getting on December 25th.  Cheers and Merry Festivus!

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Comments

stephen smith

Hey Beau...thanks for inviting me to the Festivus party...!

beau

Perhaps we could garnish the aluminum pole with some of your Brussel Sprouts!?

elise

save a place at the grievance table for me - i'm back, baby!

beau

Will you be draped in velvet, Coco?

Jenny

What is Festiuvs? Its for the rest of us.

Happy Festivus!

jeff

I'm going to the Festivus party where the Feats of Strength involve dancing on the Festivus Pole. I hope.

Heather

Great Festivus write up. There is a great video at www.whatisfestivus.com. The site is great for those of you who do not know what Festivus is. Let the airing of grievances begin.

Happy Festivus!

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