Death to Mr. M

I used a flat-head screwdriver to pry the lid off of his wood coffin. Bubble wrapped and nesting among hundreds of little polystyrene chips (you know, the annoying ones that stick to you and everything you touch), Mr. M laid there, lifeless. I unwrapped his dressing and inspected him from head to toe, then placed him back down to rest in his box, well-hidden in the back of my closet. He had a few more weeks until his big unveiling. He would be the hit of the surprise party, and he knew it.

The big day arrived soon enough. Luckily it was freezing outside, so I put Mr. M on the balcony to chill for the day. There was no way he’d fit in the fridge. By evening, the excitement was flowing through his veins, and I brought him in to rest in a massive ice bucket as the centerpiece of the table. When the party finally kicked-off and a toast was in order, we decided against beheading Mr. M with a saber, as (A) this is too cruel, and (B) I don’t own a saber. Instead, we unscrewed his cage and extracted his cork by hand. He sputtered at the neck for a few seconds, but then all was silent as we poured his insides into twenty-five flutes and drank him dry.

There was no prayer said for Mr. M the next morning. The only prayers were for water and ibuprofen. As for disposing of the body, I merely rinsed out his carcass and put him back into his tomb. He now lives near the wine chest to remind us of the good times we had. God bless his little twelve pound frame.

Does an empty Methuselah ("Mr. Methuselah" to you) really weigh twelve pounds? Just about. As Beau mentioned last week, I recently had some fun with one of these big bottles of Taittinger. Though I knew the volume of a Methuselah equals that of eight standard-sized bottles, the dork in me decided to have some fun with weights and measures (for those of you who shiver at the sight of math, you might want to turn away now):

Standard Bottle of Champagne (750mL)

• Weight of empty bottle = 1.9 lbs
• Weight of full bottle = 3.5 lbs
• Weight of juice = 1.6 lbs
• Height of bottle = 12 in
• Width of bottle = 3.5 in
• Length of cork = 1.5 in

Methuselah of Champagne (6L)

• Weight of empty bottle = 11.5 lbs (ouch!)
• Weight of full bottle = 24.5 lbs (double ouch!)
• Weight of juice = 13 lbs (about 8x the standard, which makes sense!)
• Height of bottle = 22.5 in
• Width of bottle = 6.5 in
• Length of cork = 2 in

--WG