Steal This Article: The Ten (wine) Commandments

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Editor's note: Steal this article! Whether you publish a paper, magazine, blog or scribble on the bathroom wall; fresh (& free) content is always welcome, no? Feel free to grab this article and use it to spice up your publication. Do with it what you will - so long as you mention that the original comes from The Juice. Now go forth, and copy & paste.

The Ten (wine) Commandments

The social and political trends in my country seem to be headed in a decidedly non-secular direction. I figure in the not-too-distant future, we’ll all be required to say grace at our favorite restaurants before ordering dinner. So to help wine lovers prepare for the impending religion-ization of dining rooms across the nation, I present the Ten Commandments (from a wine worshipper’s perspective).

I. Thou shalt have no other beverages before wine (Actually, it’s always a good idea to drink water. Additionally, Japanese beer is a very tasty companion to sushi & sashimi. Oh, and a sweating gin & tonic on summer evenings hits the spot.)

II. Thou shalt not make unto wine any graven image (You know what’s fun? Try your hand at sculpture using the cork, foil and cage from a bottle of sparkling wine. This is good for hours of entertainment. And a vintage Ramos Pinto Porto poster makes for a great accent piece in the living room. Idolatry isn’t all that bad)

III. Thou shalt not take the name of Krug thy Champagne god in vain (There is absolutely no wiggle-room here. Krug really is sanctified, sparkling nectar of the gods and should never be blasphemed. Of course if you do have a real cursing problem, or happen to be a sailor, I suggest creating a ‘curse cup.’ Pitch in one dollar every time foul language tumbles from your lips. In no time, you’ll be able to afford that $150 bottle of Krug)

IV. Remember the “Open that Special Bottle Day,” to keep it holy (Well, not so much keeping it holy as marking it on the calendar. Set aside one day per month and open a special bottle with a special someone(s). Just yesterday I cracked open a bottle of Högl Ried Schon-Viessling Grüner Veltliners Smaragd, 2004 ($24). I seem to have achieved a higher level of consciousness with this creamy, crisp, divinely tasty wine.)

V. Honour thy wine father and thy wine mother (Do you remember who introduced you to wine? What were the sights, scents, and sounds around the table at which you sipped your very first glass of fine wine? Years ago, a good friend of mine, shared a bottle of Chilean Merlot with me. It wasn’t love at first sip, but the wine-curiosity bug bit me directly on the toosh. I’ll always be grateful to my friend for introducing me to the church of wine.)

VI. Thou shalt not kill (One possible exception: If the server at your favorite restaurant cops a snobby attitude and makes you feel like an ignorant, plonk-swilling dolt. Thus, ruining your wine drinking experience. At this point, justice demands retribution. Or perhaps a ‘Wet Willey’ will suffice. Yeah, I’d opt for a hydro-Willey in said server’s ear.)

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery (Don’t even think about pouring orange juice into your glass of Champagne. This is very nearly an unforgivable offense. If you must have sweetened bubbly at brunch, try Asti, Moscato d’Asti, or Brachetto d’Aqui. But for god’s sake, do not adulterate Champagne. Now Cold Duck is another story..)

VIII. Thou shalt not steal (Perhaps swiping that nifty corkscrew and shiny ice bucket from the swank hotel you stayed in last weekend isn’t technically stealing. I fully intend to return those items the next time I stay there. Really, honest – I promise. Don’t tell anyone, please.)

IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour (The next time you drink the last drops from your lover’s glass of Sierra Cantabria Rioja Colección Privada ‘99 (~$30), don’t blame anyone else. Especially if by anyone else, you mean, “the cats,” or, “the dog.” Opposable thumbs are a prerequisite for firmly grasping stemware. The buck stops with you.)

X. Thou shalt not covet any wine that is thy neighbour’s (Possible exceptions to commandment number 10 include: Pechhenino ‘Siri d’Jermu’ Dolcetto di Dogliani ’03 ($20), La Braccesca Vino Nobile di Montepulciano, ’00 ($30), Baumard Quartes de Chaume, ‘02 ($62), Chateau Tour des Gendres Bergerac Sec ’04 ($14) and Jean Lallement et Fils Brut Champagne, NV ($45). Actually, coveting isn’t all that egregious. Go ahead, covet yourself silly.)

Learn the Ten Wine Commandments. Practice them in your daily life. Aint piety grand? Amen and cheers.